does time moves swiftly? or am i just slow?..
12 years had gone, since that last summer night.
memories fading just like the sand inside the broken hour-glass.
No wonder i could no longer see me in your eyes.
you treat me like a real stranger, evading my glimpse and hellos..
i just look at your picture, there, at least i could hold you one more time.
mae
ive been through hell and back.. for months the thought of the "other woman" was an agony on my part… been doing stuffs to give justice to my situation and finally revenge was served..a friend once told me that vengeance is best served when cold.. it was cruel but it gives satisfaction on my system.. i was such a cutthroat..that chapter had finally ended, i sent the monster in me into hiatus, but once provoke, it will shake the earth again…i could breath!!!
Hummmm…I got married when I was 21, while the rest of my friends are enjoying such newfound life & freedom exploring and enjoying it to the highest level , i guess so..while me? I chose to be committed to a lifetime relationship and kind-very-hard-commitment.. Yep,I was happy and I stood by my decision to create a happy and loving family life even in the midst of a cruel and complicated world.. damn, I tried so hard and doing such mean sacrificing certain dreams, certain lifestyle, certain stuffs in order for our marriage to work out just right. Although were no perfect human being and were no perfect couple as well, yet we tried and i tried to love, adjust and accept our flaws, our differences( dare not to think that it was just as easy as that), and sometimes if not most of the time I caught myself crying, sometimes even lost in dreams and wishful thinking for a more convenient and less complicated married life.. i cant deny such fact that sometime in all the years of married life often than not we find ourselves wishing for an entirely different set-up…
With that, I always told my husband since the day we got married, that deception is a mortal sin… and four years after and thousand days passed by i caught him playing the game, although he said that he never went too far… yet the betrayal of trust stabbed me like a thousand swords, knives and thousand of any other deadliest thing on earth.. in short, I got depressed..I was shattered into pieces..broke.. I was in denial at first, thinking that it could never happen to me, but it happened right behind my back and it sucks!!!. i know i am not good in handling lies that is why I’d like to take and keep the truth no matter how painful it is..I even told him about it too..(ohh really honesty is such a lonely word)
Honestly, i was hurt and i am still hurting up to this day, there are lots of thoughts pouring and running down on my head, how will i be able to appreciate life despite what happened..how am i going to be stronger in the face of everybody else especially with my kids when they are still young and so innocent, they did not have a single bet what i am going through right now…yet i know deep in me that i’ll be over with this.. get through with this hell and as of now i am still trying to collect the broken pieces of me, learning to stand and appreciating the beauty of life beneath the pains and tears.hahaaayyyy
there’ll be sunshine…soon.
am back!!! after being so busy during the last 45 days of roller-coaster election thing, my ultimate wish of poppin up a good for-45days old-sleeping pills never came true..while i was cleaning up my room this morning, i found something in that isolated,dusty corner of my room.. an ordinary box yet it contents were priceless. it was filled with letters( hehehe, those good old-love letters) sent from those guys who used to professed their undying admiration & love for me(where are they right now? by the way..i was laughing-out-loud,while reading those letters i simply could not bear reminiscing those kilig feelings that brought me up to heaven-11 before) ,pictures that transcends me through time especially when am with my friends back in my highschool and college days( those inuman sessions under the heat of the sun or during the coldest of the night.. of skateboarding days& stuffs that made me wander to different directions.. tambayan moments at ilustre st. with bansoy& co.. those days spent in ateneo’s infamous tanga-tanga corner..nights spent at the beach sa pindasan, sa villa victoria & etc..) and old planners ( where the past gimiks were listed and carefully planned, in order for me to convince my mama to allow me to go out and have a good fun back then!!) were all there too, they were all there. On the other hand, i felt glad by the fact that it bring memories of both good and bad, that allowed me to be a person who i am now today..although there were times that i felt that it was the end of the world for me then especially when its over!.. i really hate goodbyes and heartaches, it turned me into such a sour-grape person for months until i get back into shape( the effect of failed relationship)..looking back, i realized that as much as possible we should savor and live each moment, for we shall never pass the same way over again.. i could never be 16 years old again, no matter how hard i tried to go back in time.. i am 25 years old right now, though still young, but i could proudly say that ive been through with the toughest times in my life, living it in danger or be safe sometimes.. ive seen life from the perspectives of different people that i meet each day.. hahayy! whatever it is, it really feels good to go on trippin’ down that memory lane.. of places and people who once in my life left heartprints of memories that is far worthy than finding a chest-filled with golds.. if life would allow me to live another 25 years,there is one thing that i would glady do when i get old and that is to sit down on my rockin chair.. listen to good music and trippin’ once again down that memory lane.. uhmm it feels good…….
"..kapag sinabi ko sa’yo na ika’y minamahal, sana’y maunawaan mo na ako’y isang mortal, na di ko kayang abutin, ang mga bituin at buwan, o di kaya ay sisirin perlas ng karagatan… ako’y hindi romantiko sayo’y di ko matitiyak na pa’g ako’y ibigin mo kailanma’y di ka iiyak, magandang hinaharap sikapin nati’y maabot ngunit kung hindi pa maganap sana’y huwag mong ikalungkot… halina’t ating pandayin isang malayang daigdig, upang doo’y payabungin isang malayang pag-ibig.."
its been four years,1461 days together to be exact!! (almost on march 15, 2007) since when?? since we utter our vow to love each other and to offer such love to our people as well..
its been four years of patience, lots of patience and adjustments. there is a need for us to adjust to each one’s mood and atitude.Of course, we would like to establish a strong foundation for this marriage to last ( forever!)
four years of no typical relationship. coz were no typical couple as well. with political work as always on the top of everything, of course we offer our relationship.we oftentimes caught ourselves in the midst of our busy schedule and trying so hard to squeeze in our time for each other and for the children.
four years of political discussion.. major political decisions and setback.. hmm.. we started our day with a cup of coffee talking about news and events from the radio, tv or in the newspaper, and we ended it up with political discussions, (again) about usha’s day& etc.. before we go to sleep.
four years of petty quarrels & major fights. After each fights, we found ourselves laughing on it, naa man gud panahon na dili mi magabot sa panglantaw sa mga butang mao pareha mi duha hawod kaayo .. we even found ourselves bursting with tears especially kung dili na jud magkasinabot and we came to a point that we hurt each other on the process.. i told him to be frank and to be honest to me, i dont want to caught him doing things behind my back.. id rather get hurt with him being honest to me, than to mislead me.. and so i am to him..
… ang kayamanan kong dala ay pandama’t kamalayan na natutunan sa iba na nabighani sa bayan..
four years of simple lifestyle and hard struggle..during our earliest days as a married couple, we never had much time together we were physically separated with our pol. work, i was 5 mos. pregnant when i went to polomolok and he stayed at gensan by that time, while i hopped from 1 house to the other, living with the dole workers, i found home with them, i found home in the struggle, and i found him in the smiles of those people..life is not easy for us, maayo na lang naay mga tao who are willing to sit down with us everytime naa mi problema and there is a need to assess our relationship..we never had kapricho, we simply comforted ourselves with donuts and mcdonalds french fries everytime,we had a date yet we are fulfilled..
looking back with those days that i spent with my partner, my husband and my comrade..i realized that if ever i would be given a chance to live my life again, i would choose to be with him.
..kapag sinabi ko sa’yo na ikay sinusuyo, sanay yakapin mo ako kasama ang aking mundo..
i commend bamboo’s effort for mainstreaming the song "tatsulok" because it does not only convey a message but depicts our recent social condition, of injustice, exploitation and spate of killings..relative to this, i just read the news yesterday from the PDI, and it says, Ms. arroyo had finally signed the Human Safety Act of 2007 otherwise known as Anti-Terrorism Bill.. it sends hell out of me, the law never protects nor will it provide security rather it sends message of terror, aimed to silence the gag and above all to harass arroyo regime’s constant critics.. this would only mean warrantless arrest, illegal detention and further rights abuses..i am so afraid not for myself but for the children especially my daughters, who would grow up in a state that sow terror to its own people.. just like the line of the song so long that "tatsulok" still hovering and the elite few continue to grab wealth and power.. but ms. arroyo and her cohorts never learned the lessons of history.. no matter how hard they try to suppress us, the people of the sun would go on marching andcontinue with their struggle break free from the shackles..
I JUST DROP BY AT THE OFFICE COMING FROM THE ALL DAY WORK IN THE AREA ( WOMEN ORGANIZER akong drama this time) well there’s so much life being in the community than to stay inside the four-walled office.. its fulfulling getting comments and ideas of the community people since they’re the one who happen to experience that sad reality of our society.. victims of inhumane and pro-capitalist policy, victims of wanton human rights violations.. well the smell of fiesta is on the air ( i mean election time na) am posting this blog in the hope that may the victims of inhumane and cruel state policies,and victims of human rights violations would hold a special bar of judgement at the tip of thier pens for those politicos who happen to be anti-people, puppet of bush& co.,No to Gloria and her cohorts!!
the images are still vivid on my mind, the very first time i met my hubby alex..( alexander aportadera, his real name) though i was drunk at the time ( galing ako sa inuman session near our university, then)it was dark then, we were outside the gate of HCDC, we were there to show our support for their School election.. at that time i was sitting with krishna talking, when i turned my head to his direction, it was as if my world was in slow motion at that moment, but he never saw me, he simply passed me by.. from then on i was so curious of knowing him, i found out that he’s from UM and thats all.. months passed by coincendintally we met formally, somewhere upthere, at that time, i must admit that i was still learning the ABC’s of the struggle, i didn’t mind him i was so busy with my current task at that moment.. before i left the place popong asked me to leave my malong because, he wasn’t able to bring one ( tanga no!that place was so freezing cold that i could hardly sleep at night)months passed by, i havent heard any news about him, all i wanted was to get my malong back since my mother would look for it, that malong was pretty expensive!!
April 2002.
I graduated from my collge degree with flying colors.. i made up my mind to devote my time for the people and again i was heading somewhere upthere a month after.. then our ways was crossed again this time i heard that he would be court me,, me??!! i was surprised with so much questions filled my mind..how come?why me? at the back of my head i was kinda happy, for i didn’t realized that he noticed me pala, i thought i never existed in his thoughts.. i gave him a chance when he courted me.. and i was in heaven eleven every moment i had with him.. u know the feeling of being so inlove, pero ours is not the typical relationship, we were in love with each other and we committed our relationship not just for ourselves but for the people and for the struggle as well.
March 2003.
the rain poured heavily that day, but again at that time i felt like i was walking in the clouds.. it was our wedding day.. our "i do" moment..words could not exactly describe how happy and spectacular that moment was.. basta all i know was from that day on until now ill be spending the rest of my life with him..in love and in war!!
so sail your wings to the clouds… and cry, cry if you want them to see.. die every game to be free..be proud to weAR the color that you call your own.. be strong and hold the flame for everyone to see..( light and shade by fra lippo lippi)
just recently she enjoyed singing the song "hawak-kamay" and still practicing frankie’s mcdo ad jingle.. well usha red has all grown up indeed. Been three years, since i became an intstrument of bringing her out into this seemingly-not-so easy world.. I could see myself in her, but i have to tell myself most of the time that she is not me and though she came through me she belong not to me..( khalil gibhran line hehehe) one day she have a life carve on her own desire, i could not dictate nor expect so much.. looking at her i could really say that she is indeed beautiful( not becasue kay nanay ko niya) because she really is, hers is a round face,with beautifully-black -long -curl lashes and her ohh her china eyes that paints so many emotions, a reflection of her childish curiosity.. Her papa has been counting years that in the year blah..blah.. she’ll hve her 18 debut and he is so excited and he keeps on telling me that usha could not have a boyfriend until she graduated from college.. i’ll just sigh and laugh at her father.I simply told him to just live each day with her while she is still young and she still depend on us coz when the time that she’ll be all grown up, we would have "kahati sa iyang attention".. By the way our daughter is already 3 years old, she’s still so anxious of the idea that she will be going to school na this june, a very caring ate, ultra-sweet yet ultimately demanding( she is in command) talkative, witty and soo smart, she had her baggage-full of reasons with her… Moreso, her name pala is USHA RED (other find it so difficult to spell her name correctly) it means SUNRISE is RED.. it symbolizes the struggle of the toiling masses and its aspiration that may one day genuine freedom, just peace and equality may reign in this oppressive society.. this is not a dream this would happen eventually.. ito kasi ang batas ng diyalektika, and i just hope that one day soon she would find herself in the cradle of the toiling masses join them and live with them in their struggle.
but for now let usha be the sunrise in our home…
on january 25, alexa will be 4 months old, ang bilis ng panahon,almost 5 mos. ago,she was still in my womb.. now she already has a daily habit of waking up at 4:30 in the morning (our offical alarm clock, currently) and forcing us to carry her outside the house just to look around the sorroundings( she would cry-outloud, thus forcing me to get her up in bed). People would ask me where in the world we got her name.. anyways, alexa (we got her from her father, alexander) and Carhrihl ( it means, Comprehensive agreement on Respect for Human rights and International Humanitarian Law), an agreement that has a big significant for us, couple.. I would like to describe alexa as a person.. as a keen observer, talkative( she murmurs alot) and sensitive.. she also has jolie’s lips, which i think she wouldn’t need Belo’s help in the future to reconstruct her lips compared to other women outthere who painstakingly underwent a surgery just to make their lips full like jolie( hahahaha)..seriuosly,all what’s left for us is a hope that somehow she( and her ate) would grow up into a fine person that she would want to be, i dont want to put pressure on her, i just wanted her to enjoy life to the fullest ( hope so).Although, i could never be at ease knowing how complicated life is and how tough and mean the WORLD is..hmmmm..as for now i thank and live each moment while she is just our little bundle of joy, years from now i know though its painful, she may have a life of her own and somehow we really have to let her go, to spread her wings( like carey’s butterfly) and explore life.. taking pain.. be healed and grow….grow into a beautiful person as she is..
